I'm still alive, hahaha, damn.

There was no one like you. There was nobody who gutted me as you did. There was no beauty in touch or feel but you showed me there is.. You showed me there are more reasons than i knew to disappear and never breathe again.. Now when i feel you, you feel all wrong and distorted, like a nightmare that doesn't end..

I swear i hear a flute!, i don't know where it's coming from, but it's real, ahhhhhhhhhh.. Yes, i am getting worse.

mood: confused music: a flute...

It's days like these when i remember how much i love you and never want to let you go.. Why can't it be like this most of the time?.. I hope if things are settled, we can be more like this later on. We'll still have our faults and doubts and disagreements, but that's a part of everything.. And if we happen to lose eachother, well, i don't really know for certain, but i feel that i will never believe in love again.

I never once told you i didn't want you there. I was never bored. You are replacing me even as a friend, i see, but you are blaming me.. The things you have said only we do, you're trying to do them with others, the long walks to anywhere, the driving around and picking a spot and talking for hours, endlessly listening to music and enjoying the presence and comfort. Me taking you to the place i know and showing you around. Telling you my views and answering your questions. I had told you i'd teach you what i know, and you'd do the same.. You told me you had all these feelings for me, and they'd never go away, but now they are and you wanted them to. You told me you never felt what you felt for me in the past, but i found out, you have felt very strongly for many others.. I am just another.. You say i'm still special, but is that only because i put up with you, as others have not?.. What the fuck are you trying to do to me? I mean, i know you're fucking crazy but who are you? Do you even know? You say you haven't lied to me but you have. You say you're no hyprocrite but, you are. You deny parts of yourself because you don't want to be a bad person.. But it all shows in your eyes sweetness. I was warned that you had a bitter taste.

mood: discontent

Passing out, with a damn teddy bear that said he doesn't love me. That's okay, but why do they look at me weird when i suddenly wake up and answer, half tipsy, in a room full of strangers, that i do want to die, because it is unfortunate that i am here. I say, don't ask me these questions if you wish not to know. Then i go off to hiding and sleeping and i saw that movie and it gave me nightmares but it's okay because i like those nightmares cos they kept me interested and i was able to keep sleeping.

mood: cold music: 30 seconds to mars

The almost overwhelming anger of a beautiful insane girl. She goes crazy and punches the air and hides like a wee child, slightly humming, and i know she has a little smile on her face. I know that smile, i'm returning it. Thanks for taking me to a different place (if only for a moment) because i've been in such a bad one recently. You're singing me my favorites.. ME! Yeah, i think you knew.

mood: grateful

"Why do you think we're here?" 'I don't know' .. I really wish i knew, i wish i had a purpose, i wish i knew what it meant to breathe and feel and love and hurt.. I love you, i hurt you, you hurt me, i breathe you in, you breathe right through me, i feel you, you feel me go away. Talk, your talk, and tell me that you'll be there tomorrow. Prove me wrong and actually be there then.

mood: rejected music: One True Thing

Another day, another bullet i should have put in my head. I had a job interview today. I don't know how it went. I still technically have another job, but i am surely not interested in showing up again.. Some people are really good liars, some people make you think they are nice. That's why the best people to be around are true assholes, how much worse can it get from there? I am not an asshole, but i wish i was. People screw you over too much if you're not. And sure, people push my buttons, and i get pissed, and i talk back, but intitially, i'm a total moron (rug). Meh.

mood: discontent music: Fiona Apple

Down again, usual. So out of everything. No one really wants me around. Unless i do certain things with them, that is. But you know what i mean? nobody wants ME around. As i alone, as a person, do not have any value, presence or any mere quality that might be of interest to anyone. I do not want to keep doing this.

mood: crappy

Oh, and woo-hoo!

mood: apathetic

I've returned.. bet you thought i was dead ;)

mood: groggy